Name: Evan Piché, Class of 2018
Undergrad: Colorado State University
Graduate: Masters in Public Policy
Fun Fact: I’m an ordained minister (thanks, Universal Life Church).
Hometown: Holyoke, MA
The air is starting to get crisper, your neighbors are raking the first leaves into huge piles that just beg to be jumped into, Instagram posts contain things like #pumpkinspice, and–of course–decorative gourds are beginning to make their annual appearance on countertops everywhere. Soon we will perform the yearly ritual of enjoying one extra hour of sleep in exchange for enduring six months of perpetual darkness.
Lamentably, summer is drawing to a close. Skiers and snowboarders are understandably stoked. But even football fans and snow-sport enthusiasts must acknowledge the bittersweet mood that accompanies the changing of seasons as we collectively bid farewell to flip-flops, sundresses, grilling, swimming, drinking margaritas on the porch, and falling asleep in a hammock. If you are like me—still wearing sandals and denying the inevitability of winter—or you just want to make the most of these final few precious days of summer-like weather (while also avoiding adult responsibility), you will find the following tips useful:
1. Watch the Sunset with a Beverage
This is self-explanatory. The sun typically sets in the west (if you’re directionally challenged, and reside in the Front Range, look towards the mountains) sometime between 7:00 o’clock and it’s-way-too-early-for-it-to-be-dark-already o’clock. Sunsets pair well with beer. The type/brand of beer doesn’t matter so much; just about any beer will taste good when enjoyed outdoors. Can or bottle? Doesn’t matter. Actually, the beer isn’t even the important part; this will work with Coke, or tea, or V8 juice, or whatever. The important part is the sunset.
2. “Food Poisoning”
Autumn is a great time to stay home sick with “that gnarly stomach bug that’s been going around” and go do something fun outside (*Editor’s note: for the responsible student, skip to #3). It’s starting to get dark earlier and earlier with each passing day; you can’t realistically be expected to go mountain biking after class when the sun sets at 4pm. I can’t condone faking sick, but if you do decide to head up to the mountains for a hike instead of going to class, make sure your fabricated illness is embarrassing/gross enough that no one will dare question you. Food poisoning is a personal favorite—it’s extremely common, utterly plausible, and no one likes to ask probing questions about that kind of stuff.
Bonus Tip: The phrase “it’s coming out both ends” and adjectives like “explosive” and “violent” should be sprinkled in liberally as they will lend credibility to your story. This is important to ensure that the legitimacy of your “illness” will not be questioned. Fall is a great time to hike to Bierstadt Lake in Rocky Mountain National Park while recovering from your unfortunate gastrointestinal distress.
3. Ride Your Bike to Nowhere in Particular…But Make Sure to Get Ice Cream While You Do It
Perhaps you can’t justify skipping class (*responsible students, continue reading here). Fair enough. Maybe an afternoon of avoiding studying and reconnecting with your childhood is more your level of procrastination. Have you ever ridden your bike to Sweet Cow at 2:00 pm to “study?” No?! Try it sometime! After stuffing your face, spend an hour or so just cruising around the block on your bike and embrace that feeling of being twelve again.
Myth: camping season runs from Memorial Day Weekend to Labor Day Weekend.
Fact: those are actually the starting and ending dates of white-pants-wearing season for people who own white pants.
5. Drive Around with Your Windows Rolled Down While Doing That Airplane Thing with Your Hand
How many hours did you spend driving around this summer with the windows down, blasting 90’s Hip-Hop/Dixie Chicks and pretending your hand is an airplane? Quite clearly, you did not spend an adequate amount of time engaging in this activity. Today, after class, hop in your car, crank up the stereo to that obnoxiously loud volume that makes things in your car vibrate and take a drive to absolutely nowhere.
Since the author is approaching 30, and therefore not “hip” to what the “kids” are grooving to these days, I will suggest a few classic summer anthems that are sure to enhance the stoke level:
-I Believe I Can Fly – R. Kelly (pre-weirdness)
-Wide Open Spaces – The Dixie Chicks
-Born to Run – Bruce Springsteen
-Boys of Summer – Eagles
-Milkshake – Kelis
-Pretty much anything by Prince, David Bowie, or Snoop-Dog/Lion
These are only suggestions. I encourage you to be imaginative and creative in your recreational procrastination.